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    Jokes

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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 12 Feb 2016 - 17:00

    "What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.'

    Shappi Khorsandi (June 8 1973-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sat 13 Feb 2016 - 8:56

    "I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

    Bill Hicks (1961-1994)




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    Topdog
     
     

    England Male Posts : 21327
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 58
    Location : England

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Topdog on Sat 13 Feb 2016 - 9:08

    Kid sent his Dad round to beat mine up, knocked onthe door and Mum answered and guy said his bit and that he was going to give me Dad a slap, Mum broke his nose as he tried to push herout of the way. Dad came home and the blokes wife pissed herself laughing as she had acuppa with Mum.
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    3rdforum
     
     

    Ireland Male Posts : 19753
    Join date : 2011-08-30
    Age : 47
    Location : Ireland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by 3rdforum on Sat 13 Feb 2016 - 23:04

    "If there are 10 copycats on a boat and one of them jumps overboard, how many copycats are left? Answer - none"

    Darragh O'Kelly (2008 - )

    [img][/img]






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    Perfectspecimen
     
     

    Liechtenstein Male Posts : 13317
    Join date : 2011-08-15
    Age : 63
    Location : Cambs / Golf del Sur

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Perfectspecimen on Sun 14 Feb 2016 - 1:12

    Recognise that, car park entrance. Not that I have ever used it, you have to pay FFS!



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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 14 Feb 2016 - 9:20

    3rdforum wrote:"If there are 10 copycats on a boat and one of them jumps overboard, how many copycats are left? Answer - none"

    Darragh O'Kelly (2008 - )

    " />




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 14 Feb 2016 - 9:21

    "A big girl came up to me after a show and said, "I think you’re fatist." I said, "No, no. I think you’re fattest."

    Jimmy Carr (September 15 1972-)




    (I'm going to have to Google this...I don't know what "fatist" means! )



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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 14 Feb 2016 - 9:23

    I get it now!



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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Mon 15 Feb 2016 - 17:16

    "Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."

    Woody Allen (December 1 1935-)




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    3rdforum
     
     

    Ireland Male Posts : 19753
    Join date : 2011-08-30
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    Location : Ireland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by 3rdforum on Mon 15 Feb 2016 - 17:21

    You'll have to explain that one to me???






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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Mon 15 Feb 2016 - 17:31

    Food's shite but they're complaining about the size! As if they'd eat it if there was more...



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    Topdog
     
     

    England Male Posts : 21327
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Topdog on Mon 15 Feb 2016 - 21:27

    to be sure
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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Tue 16 Feb 2016 - 18:09

    "I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.'

    Sarah Millican (May 29 1975-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Wed 17 Feb 2016 - 18:26

    "A man on the train said: "That seat is reserved." I said: "Well, it’s been very forward with me." Pulled up my pants and went on my way.'

    Lou Sanders




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 18 Feb 2016 - 17:36

    "I've done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.'

    Eddie Izzard (February 7 1962)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 19 Feb 2016 - 16:59

    "

    I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
    He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
    I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
    He said: "You can't".
    I said: "Why not?"
    He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
    I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
    He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."
    Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
    I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
    She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"

    Max Miller (1894-1963)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sat 20 Feb 2016 - 9:02

    "I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'

    Alexei Sayle (August 7 1952-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 21 Feb 2016 - 8:50

    "Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.'

    Denis Leary (August 18 1957-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Mon 22 Feb 2016 - 16:43

    "Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"

    Billy Connolly (November 24 1942-




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    3rdforum
     
     

    Ireland Male Posts : 19753
    Join date : 2011-08-30
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    Location : Ireland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by 3rdforum on Mon 22 Feb 2016 - 16:54







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    Topdog
     
     

    England Male Posts : 21327
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Topdog on Mon 22 Feb 2016 - 23:24

    Another Billy one I love, "we went to the zoo with school today Dad and we saw some F,UCKERS", "Teacher called the Heffers but I knew what she meant"
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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Tue 23 Feb 2016 - 18:10

    "My Dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade."

    Harry Hill (October 1 1964-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Wed 24 Feb 2016 - 17:01

    "Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.'

    Mindy Kaling (June 24 1979-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 38207
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 25 Feb 2016 - 16:49

    "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'

    Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)




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    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 24941
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Thu 25 Feb 2016 - 17:27

    Wonder what the reason is

      Current date/time is Fri 17 Nov 2017 - 19:37