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    Jokes

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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
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    Age : 63
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    Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 27 Dec 2015 - 11:30



    'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?' Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)




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    3rdforum
     
     

    Ireland Male Posts : 20875
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by 3rdforum on Sun 27 Dec 2015 - 12:27

    bOOM BOOM!!






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    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 26755
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Sun 27 Dec 2015 - 13:10

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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Tue 29 Dec 2015 - 9:34

    "I don't want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they're anything like the ones I send out I don't want to know!"

    Tony Hancock (1924-1968)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 31 Dec 2015 - 9:08



    Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
    Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
    Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
    Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
    Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
    Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

    From The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930). Stan Laurel (1890-1965), Oliver Hardy (1892-1957).




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    Perfectspecimen
     
     

    Liechtenstein Male Posts : 13552
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    Age : 64
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Perfectspecimen on Thu 31 Dec 2015 - 14:02

    Was Stan Jedwards Dad? 



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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 63
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 31 Dec 2015 - 14:20

    Perfectspecimen wrote:Was Stan Jedwards Dad? 

    Must have been!




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 1 Jan 2016 - 9:51

    "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'

    Ellen DeGeneres (January 26 1958-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sat 2 Jan 2016 - 9:27

    "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.'

    Mae West (1893-1980)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 3 Jan 2016 - 9:41

    "I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'

    Emo Phillips (February 7 1956-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Mon 4 Jan 2016 - 9:08

    "One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.'

    Tim Vine (March 4 1967-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Tue 5 Jan 2016 - 7:11



    “Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”

    Michael McIntyre (December 21 1976-)




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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Wed 6 Jan 2016 - 7:29

    "A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?

    Jack Dee (September 24 1961-)




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    3rdforum
     
     

    Ireland Male Posts : 20875
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by 3rdforum on Thu 7 Jan 2016 - 9:49

    I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
    Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.






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    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 26755
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 64
    Location : England

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Thu 7 Jan 2016 - 10:11

    What a greeting  sniffing arses, 
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    Adam Mint
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 20939
    Join date : 2011-10-07
    Age : 53

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Adam Mint on Thu 7 Jan 2016 - 14:38

    Didn't think you were that old Dermo...

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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 63
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 7 Jan 2016 - 17:02

    "I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.'

    Jo Brand (July 23 1957-)




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    Perfectspecimen
     
     

    Liechtenstein Male Posts : 13552
    Join date : 2011-08-15
    Age : 64
    Location : Cambs / Golf del Sur

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Perfectspecimen on Thu 7 Jan 2016 - 19:03

    3rdforum wrote:I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
    Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's
    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

    Blimey, an Irishman banned for telling a joke about an Irish Setter. 



    Adventure before dementia!!!
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    Topdog
     
     

    England Male Posts : 21496
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Topdog on Thu 7 Jan 2016 - 19:16

    I had an Irish Setter once, laid down to chew a bone, got up and his leg fell off. Me Irish cat had a shit and buried itself.
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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 63
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 8 Jan 2016 - 17:30



    'I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.'

    Spike Milligan (1918-2002)




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    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 26755
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Fri 8 Jan 2016 - 17:40

      He was a crackpot
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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 8 Jan 2016 - 18:08

    Certified lunatic! Funny as feck!



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    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 26755
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Fri 8 Jan 2016 - 18:14

    Told you i was ill
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    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 42367
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 8 Jan 2016 - 18:16

    Mcqueen wrote:Told you i was ill

    Yeah, they wouldn't let him put that on his headstone in English so he had it done in Irish!



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    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 26755
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    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Fri 8 Jan 2016 - 18:20

    Perfect

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