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    B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    Gypsy
    Gypsy
     
     

    Spain Female Posts : 12665
    Join date : 2011-08-14

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  Empty B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    Post by Gypsy on Tue 2 Jul 2013 - 22:30

    This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

    They hired him because he was so funny....



    NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy bar steward)

    SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.
    If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package.
    If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.

    -------------------------
    After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees.

    I lasted less than a day . . . . .

    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, Tattooed Bognor Babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

    I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

    I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone sha**ed you twice....
    Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
    Adam Mint
    Adam Mint
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 21463
    Join date : 2011-10-07
    Age : 54

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  Empty Re: B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    Post by Adam Mint on Tue 2 Jul 2013 - 23:15

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  3318427985
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 28569
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 65
    Location : England

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  Empty Re: B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    Post by Mcqueen on Wed 3 Jul 2013 - 7:44

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  2485877773  I love people that talk like that, Bovered B&Q JOB APPLICATION  1498946960 
    Mermaid
    Mermaid
     
     

    Scotland Female Posts : 9757
    Join date : 2011-08-14
    Location : Scotland

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  Empty Re: B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    Post by Mermaid on Wed 3 Jul 2013 - 9:23

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  2485877773



    Live life to the full now or it could be too late
    searcher
    searcher
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 6861
    Join date : 2012-09-18
    Age : 75
    Location : edinburgh

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  Empty Re: B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    Post by searcher on Wed 3 Jul 2013 - 15:13

    Just knew there was someone else like me, [they call me "king of the sarcastic one liners"]B&Q JOB APPLICATION  3025408739
    Gypsy
    Gypsy
     
     

    Spain Female Posts : 12665
    Join date : 2011-08-14

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  Empty Re: B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    Post by Gypsy on Wed 3 Jul 2013 - 18:25

    searcher wrote:Just knew there was someone else like me, [they call me "king of the sarcastic one liners"]B&Q JOB APPLICATION  3025408739

    You're my OH then thought he was called Jim ?????weather weather

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    B&Q JOB APPLICATION  Empty Re: B&Q JOB APPLICATION

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