Tenerife's Forum of Fun

Tenerife Forum of Fun!

Not a member? Register here to join our fun forum!
Once you register, you will receive an e-mail asking you to validate your membership. Click on the link and away you go!

Thank you for joining, now have some fun!
Tenerife's Forum of Fun

A place for visitors and residents to share experiences and have fun at the same time.

Welcome to Tenerife Forum of Fun! Register and join in!

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Gypsy
    Gypsy
     
     

    Spain Female Posts : 12665
    Join date : 2011-08-14

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  Empty A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Post by Gypsy on Sun 24 Mar 2013 - 9:20

    Received from Cru .........

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    -----------------------

    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

    8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4p.m. with proper cups, with saucers and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God Save the Queen!

    Topdog
    Topdog
     
     

    England Male Posts : 21256
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 60
    Location : England

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  Empty Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Post by Topdog on Sun 24 Mar 2013 - 9:31

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  2485877773
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 49737
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 64
    Location : Scotland

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  Empty Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 24 Mar 2013 - 10:13

    Very good Cru! I liked that! A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  2485877773



    Helpful Links.
          Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    Perfectspecimen
    Perfectspecimen
     
     

    Liechtenstein Male Posts : 13674
    Join date : 2011-08-15
    Age : 65
    Location : Cambs / Golf del Sur

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  Empty Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Post by Perfectspecimen on Sun 24 Mar 2013 - 13:04

    Theres a strange new show on tele called Lizard Lick towing. Set in North Carolina it features a sophisticated bunch of people who just go to prove that Redneck America is alive and very much kicking. I'm not suggesting that you should watch this obviously, but if you do, use the subtitle facility.
    It would be a good idea for Americans to weigh themselves in kilos, some of them may even come in at less than 100kg. You wont find many with an IQ over that figure though, specially in North Carolina! A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  3025408739



    Adventure before dementia!!! A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  294053457
    Mcqueen
    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 28569
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 65
    Location : England

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  Empty Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Post by Mcqueen on Sun 24 Mar 2013 - 13:10

    I tried to watch it. but they were doing my head in. that must be a set up. A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  1498946960
    Campbell Brodie
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 49737
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 64
    Location : Scotland

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  Empty Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 24 Mar 2013 - 15:01

    I like Pawn Stars on Sky documentary's.



    Helpful Links.
          Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               


    Sponsored content

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN  Empty Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu 17 Oct 2019 - 7:29