Tenerife's Forum of Fun

Tenerife Forum of Fun!

Not a member? Register here to join our fun forum!
Once you register, you will receive an e-mail asking you to validate your membership. Click on the link and away you go!

Thank you for joining, now have some fun!
Tenerife's Forum of Fun

A place for visitors and residents to share experiences and have fun at the same time.

Welcome to Tenerife Forum of Fun! Register and join in!

    Jokes

    Share
    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Mon 7 Mar 2016 - 17:03

    "If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?'

    Lily Tomlin (September 1 1939-)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Tue 8 Mar 2016 - 17:45

    "Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel'

    Ken Dodd (November 8 1927-)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Wed 9 Mar 2016 - 16:52



    Francois: 'Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?'Clouseau: 'The exploding kind.'

    Peter Sellers. 8 September 1925 – 24 July 1980





    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 10 Mar 2016 - 16:58

    "The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.' - Sid Caesar (1922-2014)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    3rdforum
     
     

    Ireland Male Posts : 19076
    Join date : 2011-08-30
    Age : 46
    Location : Ireland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by 3rdforum on Thu 10 Mar 2016 - 18:03

    [img][/img]






    avatar
    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 23522
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 63
    Location : England

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Thu 10 Mar 2016 - 18:15

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 11 Mar 2016 - 16:40

    "Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.'

    Jim Carrey (January 17 1962-)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sat 12 Mar 2016 - 8:50

    "I don't trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them.'

    Red Buttons (born Aaron Chwatt; February 5, 1919 – July 13, 2006)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 13 Mar 2016 - 8:24



    “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

    Nick Helm




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Mon 14 Mar 2016 - 16:55



    “The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'”

    Jerry Lewis




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Tue 15 Mar 2016 - 16:59

    "Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are f--king morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes?'

    Doug Stanhope (March 25 1967-)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Wed 16 Mar 2016 - 16:49

    "What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.'

    Aisling Bea (March 16, 1984 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 17 Mar 2016 - 16:40

    "I'm trying to quit smoking. I've quit everything else, drink and drugs, but smoking's the toughest one. There's not enough immediate regret, is there? 'Oh my god, what was I thinking? I've made getting up stairs pretty difficult in 30 years' time.''

    Brendon Burns (April 19, 1971 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 18 Mar 2016 - 16:56

    "I'm Glaswegian. Don't worry, your handbags are safe.'

    Susan Calman (November 6, 1974 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    searcher
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 5998
    Join date : 2012-09-18
    Age : 72
    Location : edinburgh

    Re: Jokes

    Post by searcher on Fri 18 Mar 2016 - 21:11

    Wife comes home from her shopping trip into town.
    walks seductively towards her hubby,
    hi honey she says ,have you ever seen £10 all crumpled up?
    no says hubby can't say I have.
    she gently pulls back her blouse, puts finger and thumb into her bra and pulls out a crumpled £10 note
    she then says have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?
    again he says can't say that I have.
    she slowly lifts her skirt and pulls a crumpled £50 pound note from her panties.
    have you ever seen £25,000 all crumpled up ? she whispers.
    can't say that I have says hubby.




    Then go and have a look in the garage
    avatar
    Mcqueen
     
     

    England Male Posts : 23522
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 63
    Location : England

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Mcqueen on Sat 19 Mar 2016 - 7:46

    Transport
    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sat 19 Mar 2016 - 9:14

    "I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be - Thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble.'

    David O'Doherty (December 18, 1975 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sun 20 Mar 2016 - 9:10

    "It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, 'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.'

    Richard Herring (July 12, 1967 -)



    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    searcher
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 5998
    Join date : 2012-09-18
    Age : 72
    Location : edinburgh

    Re: Jokes

    Post by searcher on Sun 20 Mar 2016 - 18:41

    Sign on scaffolding outside the church this morning/

    "We are open as normal" "the place is having a faith lift"
    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Mon 21 Mar 2016 - 17:02

    "When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.'

    Josie Long (April 17, 1982 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Tue 22 Mar 2016 - 17:59

    "If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'

    Marcus Brigstocke (8 May 1973 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Wed 23 Mar 2016 - 17:06

    "How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'

    Ross Noble (June 5, 1976 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Thu 24 Mar 2016 - 16:56



    “If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?”

    Sara Pascoe (May 22, 1981 -)





    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Fri 25 Mar 2016 - 16:41

    "In your thirties your friends just disappear. I don't mean they die. They all move to Birmingham, which is worse.'

    Lucy Porter (January 27, 1973 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               

    avatar
    Campbell Brodie
     
     

    Scotland Male Posts : 35275
    Join date : 2011-08-13
    Age : 62
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Campbell Brodie on Sat 26 Mar 2016 - 8:47

    "I think a lot of people ask 'Are women funny?' but I think not enough people make the statement that black people are funnier than white people.'

    Amy Poehler (1971 -)




    Helpful Links.
           Hotels Map | Tenerife living guide. | FAQ | Forum Help |
               


    Sponsored content

    Re: Jokes

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Tue 30 May 2017 - 11:59